When “Bad Behaviour” Isn’t Really About Behaviour

Behaviour is communication

Young children, in particular, do not always have the emotional vocabulary to say, “I am finding this too difficult,” “I am embarrassed that I cannot do this,” or “I don’t know how to cope with what is happening.”

Instead, they may push the work away, become angry, leave their seat, shut down, argue or refuse to participate.

This does not mean that every difficult behaviour has a hidden explanation. Nor does understanding a behaviour mean that it should simply be accepted. Children still need limits, expectations and consequences.

However, a consequence on its own does not necessarily address the reason the behaviour is occurring.

If a child repeatedly refuses to read, for example, removing a privilege may stop the behaviour temporarily. But if the child is refusing because reading is difficult and they are afraid of being embarrassed, the underlying problem remains.

Sometimes the work really is hard

One of the easiest things to overlook is that behaviour may be connected to learning.

A child who struggles to read may avoid reading activities. A child who finds writing laborious may sharpen their pencil repeatedly, ask to go to the bathroom or become distracted whenever writing begins. A child who struggles with mathematics may rush through calculations, guess answers or insist that the work is boring.

From the outside, these behaviours can look like a lack of effort.

Yet, children are often remarkably good at finding ways to avoid activities in which they repeatedly experience failure.

This is why it is important to consider whether a child is avoiding the work because they won’t do it or because they can’t yet do it confidently and independently.

The distinction matters.

“They can concentrate when they want to”

Attention is another area where adults can become frustrated.

Parents and teachers may understandably wonder why a child can spend a long time playing a favourite game or watching something on a screen, but struggles to sit through a worksheet.

Attention, however, is not simply an ability that a child either has or does not have. It is influenced by interest, motivation, task difficulty, fatigue, emotional state and the demands placed on the child’s executive functioning.

Some children may have particular difficulty starting tasks, remembering instructions, organising materials, shifting between activities or persisting when something becomes difficult.

This does not automatically mean that a child has Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). But it does remind us that apparent unwillingness is not always the same as an inability to regulate attention and behaviour.

What about the child who becomes angry?

Anger is another behaviour that is easy to focus on without considering what may be underneath it.

A child may become angry when they are corrected, lose a game, make a mistake or are asked to stop doing something they enjoy.

Sometimes the anger is simply frustration with a boundary.

At other times, it may be covering embarrassment, disappointment, anxiety or a sense of not being good enough.

For some children, anger is easier to express than vulnerability. Saying “I am embarrassed because I don’t understand” can feel much harder than saying “This is stupid!”

The anger still needs to be managed, but understanding what sits underneath it can change how adults respond.

Social difficulties can also look like behaviour problems

Not all difficulties occur in the classroom.

A child who repeatedly interrupts, struggles to join games, misreads social situations or becomes upset when plans change may be described as rude, bossy or difficult.

Sometimes there are skills that still need to be developed. A child may genuinely need help learning how to take turns, read social cues, cope with losing or resolve disagreements.

But social behaviour can also be affected by a child’s developmental profile, emotional wellbeing or experiences with peers.

If a child is regularly being excluded or teased, for example, irritability or reluctance to participate may be a response to an environment that feels uncomfortable, rather than evidence of a behaviour problem in isolation.

Look for patterns

One of the most useful things adults can do is observe when the behaviour happens.

Does it occur mainly during reading?

Does it happen at the end of the school day?

Does the child become distressed when asked to work independently?

Does the behaviour appear mainly in large groups?

Does it happen when the child is corrected?

Does the child cope well at school, but fall apart at home?

Patterns can provide important clues.

It can also be helpful to ask what happens immediately before and after the behaviour. What was the child being asked to do? What did they appear to find difficult? How did the adults respond? Did the behaviour allow the child to escape a difficult task or situation?

This is not about blaming parents or teachers. It is about trying to understand the interaction between the child and their environment.

The importance of looking at the whole child

Children rarely fit neatly into one category.

A child may have a learning difficulty and become anxious as a result. Another may have attention difficulties that affect their school performance and confidence. A child experiencing family stress may have less emotional capacity for coping with ordinary frustrations. Another may simply be going through a difficult developmental stage.

Sometimes several factors are present at the same time.

This is why it can be unhelpful to immediately decide that a child is “a behaviour problem”. The behaviour is only one part of the picture.

When concerns persist, it may be useful to gather information from different people who know the child well. Parents may see one side of the child, teachers another and the child themselves may have a very different understanding of what is happening.

An assessment, where appropriate, can help to identify the strengths and difficulties that may be contributing to the child’s behaviour. It can also help adults move beyond simply asking what the child is doing wrong and consider what support the child may need.

Boundaries still matter

Looking underneath behaviour does not mean removing boundaries.

Children need to learn that hitting, being deliberately unkind, refusing reasonable requests or disrupting others is not acceptable. They need opportunities to take responsibility for their actions and to learn more appropriate ways of responding.

The difference lies in what happens alongside the boundary.

Instead of stopping at “You must not behave like that,” we can also ask:

What happened?

What were you finding difficult?

What could you do differently next time?

What support or skill does this child need to manage the situation more successfully?

A child can be held accountable while still being understood.

In fact, children are often more able to change their behaviour when the adults around them understand what they are trying to communicate and help them develop a more effective way of communicating it.

Look beyond the label

Labels such as “lazy”, “naughty”, “defiant” or “attention-seeking” can become part of the way adults see a child. Once a label has taken hold, new behaviour may be interpreted through that lens.

A child who is struggling may then receive more criticism just when they need more support.

This does not mean that parents and teachers should ignore behaviour. Rather, it means that behaviour should be viewed as information.

The goal is not to find an excuse for a child’s behaviour. It is to understand it well enough to respond effectively.

Sometimes the most useful question is not:

“How do we get this child to behave?”

but:

“What is this child finding difficult and what do they need in order to manage it better?”

That small change in perspective can make a surprisingly large difference.

When we look beyond the behaviour, we may discover that the child who appears unwilling is struggling, the child who appears defiant is overwhelmed and the child who appears careless is trying to cope with something that has not yet been properly understood.

And once we understand the difficulty, we are in a much better position to help.